The nights aren’t as cold as they used to be. The street is busier than I was used to. Our home is larger, yet it still seems so small. Where we once had a backyard and trees, we now have a balcony and a highway. What used to be lovely fall evenings spent outside together, listening to the wind ruffle between the leaves. Now is dreaded evenings where we are locked away, seperately, trying to drown out the noise of the bar next door by raising the volume to our latest TV show.
Yes, there are some good points to this move. We found a bigger place. The streets are straight, making it easier to take walks. We are closer to everyday essentials, ie: grocery store, pharmacy and post office. But there are difficult points too. Like how there is constant noise, everywhere, all the time. It is harder to go play outside, we live on a busy road. If we try to go for a walk, we have to juggle bringing a baby, a toddler and a dog down 16 stairs all at once, or suffer through a variety of tantrums bringing them down separately. We are alone here. Completely alone.
It is scary, and sometimes even lonely. An amazing opportunity, is what I had imagined this to be. A wonderful experience that could only bring good to my life. I wasn’t stressed. I wasn’t even scared. I felt happy and safe. I wish I could still feel like that, but after arriving and settling in, the panic and the fear showed up.
I wish I could still feel like that, care-free, but all the anxiety and stress that disappeared when we made this decision, it all came back. Maybe it’s because of family? The guilt they stuck on us because we moved far away. Maybe it’s the fact that in less than 3 months we will become a single-income family? Maybe it’s a mix of everything, who knows? But so far, right now, this does not feel like a new adventure. This feels scary and lonely.
